


The record starts over

by Pearlislove



Category: Daisy Jones & The Six - Taylor Jenkins Reid
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Drama & Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-02-16 16:33:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18695224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearlislove/pseuds/Pearlislove
Summary: “I want to meet up”  It wasn't really conscious decision for Graham to ask right then, but rather something that just slipped out. A thought bubbling up from deep within him and making it to the surface. “I want to see you”“Alright” Karen nod along to his words, accepting them without much thought despite her anxieties. “Do you think you could come to San Francisco?”





	1. Turn it off

**Author's Note:**

> I LOVE Daisy Jones & The Six. Aaaand I ship Karen Karen/Graham Dunn like there's no tomorrow! Even after the stupid ending to that book...
> 
> so here's a fluffy heartfelt painful fanfic about Karen and Graham in modern day (ca early spring of 2013, after they've been intervjued and before the book came out).
> 
> OBS: not entierly canon complient! Camila is not dead, there will never bee any Billy/Daisy and Graham isn't seeing anyone anymore.

Karen strum her nails against the wooden table, listening to the hollow echo every time they hit the hard surface. Beside her, purposely hidden under a stack of unfinished sheet music, lies her much despised mobile phone. It had been a birthday gift, and though she barely knew what to do with half the functions, she had to admit it had its uses.   


A mobile phone number is written on a sticky note taped to the third piece of paper in the stack on top the phone. It too has been hidden from sight, but doing so has not taken it out of her mind.  
  
A light breeze blows in through the kitchen window, and a few stray pieces of hair blow up in Karen's eyes. _I should get a haircut_ , she thinks as she brushes them away again. She can't exactly remember when she did it last, or why she hasn't yet, but she let the thought of how she want it styled when she goes to distract her anxious mind for a moment.   
  
It's a very short moment, though, because the phone rings and the illusion that it does not exist is broken.   
  
The stack of papers start to vibrate, and, terrified, Karen shoves all the papers out of the way. She let them spill down on the floor and pool by her feet as she squint at the miniature screen of the Iphone, cursing that they didn't make those stupid things any bigger.         
  
It's an unknown number that is being shown, and it makes her stop.   
  
Karen doesn't answer unknown numbers for many reasons, both reasonable and not, but this time she can't help but feel that she should. Call it premonition, call it stupidity, but eventually something compelled her to hit the green button.     
  
"Hello?" Her breathing is heavy, her heart beating out of her chest as she waited for the reply. She knew it could be anything or anyone on the other end, and it scared her.   
  
"Karen?" It's a terribly familiar voice that finally speaks to her on the other end. "Holy shit, it really is you, right? I'm not tripping or nothing” The voice has grown older, sounding less like a boy than when she last heard it, but it's still easy to recognize.   
  
"Graham" All at once, the tension drains out of her and Karen nearly melts straight off the rickety chair she sit on. Then, she start laughing and finds it very hard to stop.  "Good god, why are you calling me?! Someone should've told you I hate this contraption! Emails, dear, is my thing. I can read them on the computer."   
  
"Camila did warn me... But you answered it anyway" Graham laugh, excited and happy to hear a voice he has longed for so many years now. "Also, that may be why you're such a hard to find lady nowadays! No phone number,no public email address, no social media...you're as close to anonymous as one can be on the internet these days.” Graham paus, knowing Karen would likely be unsettled to hear the full extent of what he went through to find her number. "I didn't want to email. It's cold and indirect. I wanted to hear your voice."   
  
Karen snorts with laughter. It feels good, to be happy like that, but she still tries to regain her composure before it can take over too much. "Well, you're hearing it! Not as sexy as the admirable Daisy Jones, but more than enough for the right guy. Now tell my why you called" She allow herself to have a little fun, but then she moves onto the main question. Even if Graham had once been a very dear friend, he wasn't the type to give her a call at random and just for fun.   
  
Her question is met with a nervous chuckle on the other side as Graham obviously felt he had been found out. "Can't a guy make a social call?" He asks, but the question make Karen's heart soar as if it had grown wings to fly. "No, really, I got your number off Camila because I wondered if Julie had come to talk to you yet. You know, she's writing a book about us. About Daisy Jones and The Six.” He almost whispers the last part, hesitant  to mention the groups cursed name.   
  
Just as quickly as her hopes were raised, it all crashed back down to Earth, but Karen doesn't let it show. "Yeah, she was here. Asked me a load of questions 'bout all kinds of stuff...you know, on the level where you're like 'what the hell am I  doing telling Billy's kid I got high on Peyote in '74?'” She thinks of Julie’s smiling face as she had showed up at her door, asking if she could talk to her. Normally, she would've refused, but as Julie explained that she had already spoken to all her fathers other former band members, she felt she couldn't let it go without weighing in herself. "Of course, in the end it was all about Chicago '79, wasn't it? Even our kids want to know what happened that night, for whatever reason. I mean, not to be like that, but I thought people were over that by now?"   
  
"Not a chance, sister. It comes up at least once per interview I do, minimum" Graham shakes his head, wondering what comfortable little bubble Karen had found for herself, where she could simply forget that the dissolving of Daisy Jones & The Six was still an unsolved mystery which interested many. “People care, and people ask. I figured you would know.”

 

She shrugged.  “I wouldn't know. I generally don't do interviews anymore. Don't get out much, either.” Karen says, looking around the room at her tiny kitchen. She hadn't left the house since her daughter came by Tuesday evening, days having passed with her doing very little and not particularly caring about it. It was the way he life looked these days. “Hey, do you think Warren will tell her I slept with Bones, the technician?”

 

It's a sudden, silly thought that hits her in the midst of the silence that Graham leaves after her explanation. It's not exactly relevant to what they talk of, but it serves to lead the conversation onto happier topics.

 

“Probably. So? Warren has been claiming you two did it for years.” Graham knew Karen knew this, but dug into the new topic anyway. It was a distraction, and they needed it. “Though to be honest, I don't think you ever answered him on it. So, did you?” He knows the answer to that one, but he asks anyway.

 

He doesn't know what she’s told Julie, and he want to give her a chance to build her story. If she doesn't want to acknowledge the truth, he certainly was not going to force her.

 

Karen can't answer. For the second time since the phone began to make noise, she freezes. She sit ramrod straight in her chair and can barely even _breath_ anymore because Graham has the audacity to ask such a question.

 

As though he didn't know exactly who had been holding on to her naked body that day, the next day, every day. As though he did not know, whose naked arms had held her gently and convinced her that men could love without being selfish.

 

Her man had turned out to be a selfish man, in the end, but by then Karen knew it was her own fault and she had never blamed him for it. Not truly, not in the depth of her heart.

 

“Karen?” Graham feels a bit frightened when he gets no answer. The heavy breaths on the other end assures him that she is still there, but no words reach his ear.

 

Karen close her eyes. Gently, she let them flutter closed and allow for her overloaded brain to cut out one of its many, many inputs. “You know who was there with me.” She says, and her tone is much colder than she intended. It was wrong but she felt her hard earned controle slipping away from her. “Don't you remember?”

 

Oh, Graham remembered. Even through the haze of drugs and alcohol, he knew whose screams had echoed against the walls in that dark room. Question was, did she? “I want to meet up”  It wasn't really conscious decision for him to ask right then, but rather something that just slipped out. A thought bubbling up from deep within him and making it to the surface. “I want to see you”

 

“Alright” She nod along to his words, accepting them without much thought. It feels like the part of her that was supposed to hate him had taken a vacation, checking right out and leaving her unprotected. “Do you think you could come to San Francisco?”  She questions, feeling stupid for being such a shut in and yet knowing there was little she could do about it. It was either having him come to San Francisco, or having him come to her cabin in the mountains, because those two places were the only places she would be for the foreseeable future.

 

Looking at her options, San Francisco was probably best.

 

“That where you live now?” Graham asks, surprised. Had he been told to guess, he was certain he could not have predicted that answer. It's a long way off from where he is, but for Karen he'd travel anywhere. “I'm in LA, right now,  but I can get on out to you whenever you want.” He tries not to be impatient, but even he can hear the excitement and hurry in his own voice. He wanted things, and he wanted them now. “And if it goes well, then maybe next time you can come my way”

 

Karen cringed. The offer was sweet and well-meaning, but so much had happened in the years since they last saw one another, and Karen wasn't quite the same anymore. Not that she had ever quite been that person, to begin with. “If there is a next time” She begin, trying to explain but quickly realizing that she was coming on too strong and defensive. She sighed. “Look, Graham, I mean it when I tell you I’m a recluse. I barely leave my house anymore unless it's for my kids, or to drive to my other place. I don't...I don't know if I can just come to LA just like that.” _Don't know if I can trust you just like that_ \- she doesn't say it but knows he know.

 

She admitted her flaws, and she wait for him to hang up. For him to realize that she was not the way he thought she would be, and decide that he wasn't going to bother.

 

Graham listen as she explain, and though he feels alarmed thinking of what might've happened to his old friend that has caused her to be so afraid of going outside that she can not travel, he agrees quickly. “Okay. Well, you don't have to. I'm coming to you, and then we can see what to do about next time.” He offers, hoping it might put her at ease to know he was willing to adapt to her needs.

 

Karen smiled. She could tell he was worried, but appreciated he did not push the subject. “Thanks” She says, gnawing on her lip as she tried not to think too hard on what she was doing. “I'd love to have you over. You can have your own bedroom, even. I got plenty of room.”

 

Graham laughs on the other end, and Karen feel shivers run down her spine as she listen to it. Without knowing it, she had been missing that laughter. “That'd be amazing.” He paused. “Will your partner be home?” He didn't know if she had one, but he felt the need to ask.

 

“Don't have one, never wanted one” Karen said, feeling awkward to be telling him this as she knew she was lying in more ways than one. “It's just me and my kids. All grown, of course, but they come by now and then. Keep me company. Apparently one is crazy for wanting to be left alone.”

 

Listening to her talk about her family, it took a while before Graham could talk again. Karen had grown kids and it felt like someone kicked him in the balls - though he doubted she'd feel that way if she found out about _his_ boys. “You have kids? How many? Girls?” He tries to make it sound like he was just trying to catch up on her life, but felt scared Karen might feel interrogated by it. She'd always been a private person, very much happy to be left out rather than to be surrounded, and the last thing he wanted was to scare her. “How old are they? You say they're all grown so they got to be eighteen at least, all of them.”

 

Karen smiles. His questions are polite and she is glad that he doesn't feel angry with her for having kids after all.“Yeah, they are. They're two girls and a boy, and their ages are...oh, Jenny and Maria are twenty-six and Graham is twenty-four.” She tells him, her voice softening considerably  as she mentioned her son’s name.

 

She had never thought the original Graham might find out she had named her own child after him, but there they were.

 

“That's...nice. I always thought it would’ve been nice to have some girls.” He's not sure what to say about it. Not only had she named one of her children after him, but clearly she had gotten pregnant later on, despite her strong feelings on the subject at the time. Somehow, he had never known. “I have four boys myself. Billy, Michael, Jack and Dave. Billy is twenty-nine, the others are in their upper teenage years.”

 

Karen nodd, even though no one can see it. Her eyes open after what feels like an eternity of being closed, and she blink against the harsh light. “You and your wife are very lucky” She run her hand through her hair, and pray he'll protest to that statement.

 

For reasons beyond her own logic, she wants him to not be happily married to another woman.

 

“Don't have one. Dated a girl for ten odd years, and two, no I mean fo...three of the kids are hers, but that's all.” He hurries to answer, tripping over his own tongue in the process. Then, without missing a beat, he posses a question of his own. “Did you name your son after me?”

 

It's more direct than he would have liked, but he feel as though they're running out of time.

 

Like their time was already over.

 

“Yes” Karen answered just as quick, barely daring to breath anymore as they breached the sensitive topic. “I  was told I was ridiculous. I still got my way. I just felt...it had to be your name. I couldn't imagine naming him anything else.”

 

“Alright” Graham felt warm. His heart was beating hard and he was struggling to keep his breathing calm and controlled, his mind running away at a thousand miles an hour. He want to  believe the name means something, but fear it doesn't. “So, when can I come to visit?”

 

“Oh, uh…” She wants to say _as soon as possible_ , but, in the interest of trying to appear a proper adult, she glances over at her depressingly empty wall calendar. There's only a single note for the entire month, marked exactly a week ahead from the current date. “My kids got a gig next weekend, and I promised to go...I got a ticket extra if you want to join?” She suggest, hoping it was not too ballsy. She desperately want to see him, but feared scaring him away. “Otherwise we can just pick another weekend…”

 

“No no, that sounds great. I don't have the boys next weekend, so I can come over. Not a problem at all.” Feeling her anxiety as though it was physical barrier between them, he hurries to answer for fear of being shut out. The fact that he feels as though she rammed her feet between his legs a second time, asking if he wanted to go see _her kids_ perform, was secondary to the fact that she was going to let him come see her. “I...I get off my current project on Thursday. How about I drive down on Friday and stay over till Monday? if you don’t mind? You don’t even need to introduce me to your kids or anything. I’ll just hang around in the background.”

 

If she could be ballsy, so could he, and despite knowing he was being stupid, he asks her if he can stay for three nights at her home.

 

“No, that’s fine. I barely work at all, so you can stay as long as you want.” Karen assured him, her eyes straying over to the unfinished sheet music next to her. The deadline was slowly creeping closer, she knew, but like mostly anything else nowadays she lacked the energy to care. Maybe, Graham was the kick she needed. Still, three days was a lot, and she hoped she could handle it. “And you can meet the kids, if you want to. They’re all adults, it won’t be that weird.” She laughed, hoping she was right. But she couldn't imagine him hiding out, and she did not want to lie to her children. “They’ll probably be happy to hear I still physically talk to people other than them.”

 

Graham laugh along with Karen, even though he find little humour in her statement. Rather, he felt worried. “Hehe, yeah. I'm sure it will comfort them.” He pause, letting the silent thoughts and feelings flow like an agitated river between them, until finally he speak again. “This is going to be really fun, you know. Talking to that reporter...it brought up a lot of memories. I realized how much I missed you.”

 

“Yeah, I can imagine. She really had a way of getting your head spinning.” Karen can hear how small her voice sounds, but is too busy digging around in the sea of paper by her feet to care. “You know, it’s sort of funny that you called…” Finally, she pull out what had been the third paper from the top when in a stack on the table, and He looked at it sceptically. The bright post-it with the number Camila gave her was still attached to it. “I was going to call. I even got your number from Camila.” She chew on her lip, considering the fact that Camila had handed out the other persons numbers to each of them, without mentioning it to them.

 

“You got _my_ number from Camila?” Graham can't help but be baffled. His sister-in-law was the most honest person he knew,  never, ever had he known Camila to be lying or making plans behind someone's back. Not even a surprise birthday party. And now she had gone behind both their backs to...what? Fix them up? “That little minx. She seriously gave us each the other's number and said nothing?”

 

“Why do you think I was so shocked that you called?” Karen countered, still down on the floor to gather the discarded papers. Though she had thrown them down with little care, she knew she'd be in trouble if they got lost or damaged. “I never...I just didn’t...didn't think you’d call. Even if you had my number.” She knew what she had done to him, and thirty years on she did not expect to have been forgiven.

 

“Yeah, I didn’t either. But I just couldn’t get it out of my head so I guess...here I am?” he shrugg, uncertain what else to say. “See you Friday?”

 

Karen smiled. “Yeah. I’ll see you Friday.” The papers are all gathered in her free arm, and with some difficulty, she rise to her feet.

 

There’s a click coming through when Graham hang up, and then, Karen is all alone.

 

For a moment, she stands quietly and stare at thin air. Dreams of things far behind her and of things still ahead. Finally, the phone topples out of her hand, and the sound of the padded shell hitting the floor snap her out of the state.

 

Looking around at her messy kitchen, the dust layers all too obvious in the late afternoon sun, Karen swore.

 

“Fuck it. Now I'll have to clean.”

 

* * *

 

 

Camila had just started dinner for her family - all the kids were visiting, and she'd be lying if she said she hadn't missed it - when the stationary phone went off next to her. Mere seconds later, her mobile phone set off on the table as well.

 

“Hey, my brother is calling you! Want me to take it?” Billy leaned over the mobile phone screen, seeing his brother’s photo covering it. It wasn't often that Graham called Camila, and it surprised Bill that he had now.

 

“Yes thanks. I'll take the phone” By now, Camila has spotted Karen's name on the phone display, and she has a strong feeling she knows just what they're calling about. “Hi Karen! How fun to hear from you”

 

“Hi Camila” Though her voice is scratchy and she knows Camila can hear she has been crying, she couldn't help but smile. Camila simply was the kind of person that always made you smile. “I cleaned my kitchen”

 

“You did? That's amazing. I bet it will make feel so much better to have a clean space to cook and work.” Surprised, Camila hurried to appreciate Karen's efforts. She knew how hard a time the other woman had had it since the death of her “partner”,  and this was a big step forward.

 

“Yeah. I'm...I'm expecting some company next weekend. I don't think he likes the taste of dust” Karen explained, taking a big breath of air as she prepared to jump into the big question. “Why did you give Graham my number?”

 

Camila sighed. Of course, cleaning the kitchen had not been the main point of the conversation. “Because you needed it. Both of you. He's lonely, you're lonely...you both say you're not but you lie. In the end, he asked, and I saw no reason to refuse him.”

 

“The why did you give me his first place?” Karen continued. “If you knew he was going to call you could have said that to me! I _hate_ unknown numbers! I could have just clicked him away!”

 

Camila laughed. “Because the risk was big one of you two would back out. Give up. Be a chicken. Call it what you will but I felt like going double.” She explained, smiling. “And by the looks of it, I was right. “Sooo, Is he going to stay over?”

 

Karen listened to Camila's defense, and felt her cheeks heat up. Though the woman had hit the head on the nail, she didn't want to admit it. “Who the hell said _Graham_ is coming over? Don't you think it's a bit high and mighty to just assume you know everything about my life?” Getting wind up, Karen could feel new tears threatening to leak out. After her cleaning frenzy was done, she had begun to crack, and now she wished she'd called Camila at a later time.

 

“Well, who is it then that's coming over? You got a boyfriend and just neglected to tell me? And if you say it's your-son-Graham, I _will_ laugh.” Camila plowed on, going a little softer as she sensed Karen's upset but not giving in.

 

Karen sighed deeply. “Fine” She admit. “It's Graham Dunn. He's coming here on Friday, and leaving Monday, and we're going to go see my kids show on Saturday.” Without meaning to, she began to cry. Everything got too much and the tears took over. “I don’t know what to do Camila. He doesn't know what a mess I am. He doesn't know who _I_ am. He's not going to want _this_.”

 

Despite not normally letting much faze her, Camila did feel slightly alarmed as she heard this. “Karen, relax. Please. It will be fine, okay? Graham wants _you_ . He doesn't want a perfect little trophy or whatever you think he's after. He just want Karen.” She listened to the sobbing on the other end, feeling relieved as the word registered and the sound started to die down. “Maybe you're not in the best spot. Maybe he doesn't quite understand you yet. But I don't think Graham will run. He's not the kind of man who does the same mistake twice.” Reassuring her, Camila carefully neglected asking whether or not _she_ wanted Graham.

 

Karen listens to Camila, and feels thankful she has such a dependable friend. Rekindling their friendship a few years down the line from the 1979 break up of the band was to this day one of her best choices in life. “Thank you” She said as the sobs begin to calm down. “I just...I really think that I missed him. And now I'm finally going to have him here I'm worried it's going to blow up. I told him I'm a recluse, I told him I basically don’t work. I don't think he realized what that actually mean.”

 

Camila nodes along with the words, slowly orienting herself back to the stove to keep stirring her pot. “Sweetie, I tell you, Graham will understand it. He had a similar crash when he and Jeannie broke up, but now he's back on track again. He knows it takes time. Just be the beautiful person that you are, and it will all be okay. And even if you decide it's nice but not anything you want a repeat on, you know that that is perfectly fine, too.”

 

Karen sighed. “Yeah. That's perfectly fine.” It's a big comfort for her terrified heart to hear that she did not have to commit to anything. That she could try having Graham there, and let whatever happen happen. Not everything had to be crystal clear and indisputable. “Thanks Camila. You’ve always know what to say.”

 

Camila smiled. “That's what I do, sweetheart.” She heard the click of Karen hanging up, and put the phone back in it's holder so that she could focus on the stew bubbling on the stove. It smells terrific, and she felt proud not to have burned it.

 

“Graham says he's hooking up with Karen” Billy's voice come floating into the kitchen a few moment before he himself appear, and his wife can hear the confusion that colours it.

 

“Hooking up?” Camila questioned, she too confused as she wondered if Karen was even capable of such a thing. Love of the romantic kind had never come natural to her, and especially not with Graham Dunn.

 

“He's driving to San Francisco on Friday and staying through to Monday. He and her were going to go to some gig her kids are doing.” Billy clarified with a huff. “Don't tell my you didn't have Karen over there explaining the exact same thing to you. I know you gave them both each other's number,  you minx.”

 

“They need each other.” She shrugged, carefully chopping up an onion in perfectly equal pieces, only to then dump it into the brown depths of the pot. “They're lonely, and even if they can't have back what they had before ‘79, a kind, dependable friend would do a world of good for both of them.”   

 

“True.” Billy admitted. Though Graham had his younger kids to entertain him on alternating weekends, and some project or another most of the rest of the time, it wasn't quite enough. Often, he tended to feel lonely, and Billy could hear it when he called. “Still, I didn't think it was your style to go behind people's back and do a double like that.”

 

She shrugged, pouring chili sauce into the pot. “I don't like it, but it was necessary. They need each other.” She glanced over her shoulder at her husband. “Don't you want your brother to be happy?”

 

Billy just laughed, walking up to Camila and hugging her from behind. Gently embracing her, he leaned his head on her shoulder. “I love you”

 

 


	2. Please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Graham going to meet Karen in San Fransisco

Parking the car by the curb, Graham looked around at the neighbourhood he had ended up in. It was row after row of neat little two floor houses with white picket fences, and he knew he had passed a school no more than ten minutes earlier. The entire area was made for  little children and the perfect romantic dream - none of it matching the Karen that Graham knew. She had never wanted any of those things, and why she'd live in such a neighbourhood was inexplicable.

 

Still, Karen's email  and Google Maps alike confirmed that the third house down the street, marked out as number twenty-three in yellow numbers, was her home.

 

“Graham! Over here!” 

 

As he is climbing out of the car, he hear someone calling his name. Turning his head around to where the sound came from, he see a woman standing out on the porch of number 23 and waving her hand at him.. She's older, dark hair long since faded to gray and small wrinkles spreading across her face like a spider webb behind the thick glasses, but Graham could never not recognize her.

 

“Karen!” He grin, waving his hand back as he swing his overnight bag over his shoulder. 

Locking the car, he is soon hurrying through the gate and up the gravel road towards her. “Thank you for letting me stay over” He smile as he arrive, pulling her into a sideways hug before she has the chance to protest.

 

“You're welcome. I don't mind having company” Not feeling quite comfortable with the hug, she manages to slither out of his grip, instead standing around awkwardly on the porch. “Thanks for driving here all the way from LA” She then says, feeling as though she ought to thank him for coming all that way just for her.

 

“Don't mention it. I was the one who suggested meeting up, after all” He wave away her thank you's, a silence falling between them as they both out of words. Curiously, he looked at the house they stood in front of. “It's a really nice home you got. Wouldn't have thought it would be…” He trail off, realizing there is no way he can make it sound good if he finish the sentence.

 

Karen felt infinitely embarrassed as she hear him say that the house, her home, was not her style. “It's not my home!” She quickly defends herself, pushing back with just a bit too much force. “I got a cabin, up in the mountains. This is just...I got this place for my kids to live here, originally. Even if I wasn't going to be looking after them they needed a good place to grow up. Nowadays, I just stay here over the winters because my kids doesn't like having me all alone up in the mountains with rain and snow.” She explained, her voice softer now than before. “It's not home”

 

Graham nodded. He didn't quite understand what she tried to tell him - it was confused and rushed as she clearly felt a need to defend herself - but he did not question it. “I see. Maybe I can come see that cabin some time, then? It sounds like a beautiful place”  He suggests, hoping she would like the proposal.

 

“It is beautiful...so maybe” The voice of Camila can be heard clearly in Karen’s mind, firmly reminding her she had no obligation to promise Graham anything. Then, she opened her door to invite him in. “Come on, I'll show you where you'll be sleeping” She smile softly, looking over the man before him. He is older, but still undeniably attractive, and she finds herself wondering what he's doing at her doorstep, looking like a boyfriend back from a business trip.

 

He wasn't her boyfriend, hadn't been for the thirty years, and the mere thought that he might be thinking he could be that again had her suddenly frightened. Reacting almost on instinct, she reach out to close the door - close him out of her life, out of her heart, out of everything - but she stop herself at the last minute. Reminds herself she was supposed to try and be open to him. So, instead of closing the door, she leave it open. 

  
  


“Maybe it is.” Graham nodded, smiling awkwardly as he waited to see what would happen. “Show the way” A heavy silence hung between them, feistering until suddenly it all seemed to reach a breaking point and he saw her move to close the door. He held his breath and waited for it to slam, forever shutting him out of her life. 

 

_ This was not going to work _

 

But it never closed. At the last minute, she seemed to change her mind, and instead it was left open. Karen's hand held onto the frame until her knuckles turned white and for the time being, he exhaled. “Look, should I go? I mean...it was great to see you. It really was. And I can't stress enough that I  _ really  _ do want to stay but... I can tell you don't like this, and I mean, if you really prefer to be left alone I'm not going to hang around just to make you  _ miserable _ .” 

 

Hanging the bag properly on his shoulder and sticking his hands in his pockets, he turn around, ready to walk back down the garden path to his car and drive away. He is ready to admit defeat, knowing very well he had tried and failed to reconnect with the best woman he'd ever known.

 

“Don't go!” Karen watch as Graham turn to walk away, and is filled with a blinding panic so strong it eclipsed every other emotion she  could possibly feel. Not thinking at all, she reached out and latched onto his arm. Last time Karen had felt this scared, she had been pregnant for the second time - knowing that she stood in front of a major decision, and that if she chose the wrong path she'd regret it until the day she died. “Graham don't go!”

 

Graham had never heard his own name sound quite the way it did whem Karen screamed it. Her raspy, aging voice is filled with anguish and even if he wanted to, he could not have kept on walking. Instead, he turn around, and her eyes are glassy with tears behind the thick glasses. 

 

“Karen...” He is breathless, shocked and lost for words as he cupped her boney cheek with the palm of his hand.

 

“I don’t want you to go” Her voice is weak and threadbare compared to the way she screamed, but she smile at him, soon breaking loose from his grip to run up the stairs and swing the door open as far as it will go. “Please, stay.” 

 

She swing open the door, and someone might as well have opened the golden gates of heaven for Graham. For the first time since he arrived, he feels wanted, and this time he doesn't hesitate as he walks up the steps back onto the patio and follow her inside.

 

The inside of the house itself is rather sterile, and even after just a few steps Graham get the distinct feeling there has been little alterations made since it was purchased. It's not as worn in and homely as it should be, and he find himself missing all the signs of wear and tear and just  _ life  _ and  _ living  _ that he knew you'd find in his flat back home in New York.

 

Then, suddenly, in one tiny corner right at the end of the wall next to an open door, is a little  crayon drawing. On top the flower-patterned wallpaper, smudged red and blue crayon detail and stick figure listening to a radio.

 

Looking closer, Graham can see the purple notes coming out of the radio, and there is an attempt at writing words in green next to the drawing, but he can not tell what it says.

 

“One of my daughters drew that. Not sure what she was trying to write, but she was listening to me on the radio. Guess she just missed her mama” Karen smiled a little at the memory of the phone call she had received about it, and the pride in Maria's eyes when she came home and she showed her the drawing. “The nanny called me that night to tell me what happened. She was crying so hard, I felt more bad for her than my wall.”

 

“Kids do whatever they want. My son used to chew on his bed. It looked like we had a beaver infestation.” Graham laughed, getting up on his feet and following her on into the living room.

 

Karen laugh too. Somehow, it suddenly feels easy. She'd told Julie speaking about Graham was like poking a bruise, but it had been a lie. It was like scratching an itch- you knew you shouldn't do it, that it would only get worse afterwards, but you did it anyway.

 

The part of her heart that hate him truly seems to have left for good, and she finds herself hoping it never return.

 

“Did you use to bring your kids on the road? I was out on the road, but I had someone who stayed at home and took care of the kids so I didn't have to bring them.” Graham asked, curious, as the two of the paused on the living room sofa. 

 

Karen twisted uncomfortably. “No, not really. I didn't work for six months after my babies were born. They were two months early and I hadn't looked after myself much during the pregnancy, so I needed the time as much as them...Then when I headed out again I wasn't on good terms with the twins dad, so I hired a nanny to bring them along for the tour. They were very small so I didn't think it was right to leave them behind, but after that I mostly just had her live here with the kids while I was away. It was easier like that.” She paused. “Graham's dad stuck around - not for me but for his son - so I let him live with his dad full-time up until I retired. He was...eight, then, and the girls were eleven. I took over from the nanny and got my son to live with me part time.” She smiled a little. “Sometimes I think I've been trying to catch up for lost time since.”

 

Graham nodded. It was the age old challenge of the single mother - work or children. “Do you like having kids? I mean, I’m not saying you don't love your kids. I just know that it's a long way away from what you said you always wanted.”

 

Karen sighed. “I guess...it's difficult? Because I loved working. I really did. But there was never a moment when I didn't enjoy coming home at the end of the tour. To be able to take day off when we passed by Chicago to see my son. It was something I needed in my life more than I understood.”

 

Graham grinned, smiling through the pain that threatened to rip his heart apart. “I'm glad you got that.”

 

Karen nodded.

 

“Come on, your bedroom is down here” Suddenly energized, she hurry him down the corridor, moving so fast that she nearly forget where she made the bed for him to stay in her frenzy.

 

“Alright, alright...no need to hurry” Graham laugh some more as Karen does a sudden left turn down an unfamiliar corridor. 

 

The corridor got white painted doors and alternating blue and pink doors. Between the doors hang family photos, Karen and people unfamiliar to Graham smiling with increasingly older children as they rush by.

 

There's two little girls with dark hair and eyes like the nighttime sky, and a boy that shine brighter than the sun with golden hair and heaven's blue eyes. Karen is in the middle, smiling up at the camera as the children cling to her with tiny hands. Looking at the walls and the photos, Graham can't help but wonder what their baby might have looked like.

 

If it might've looked anything like the babies they did end up having.

 

“In here” Karen opens a blue door at the end of the corridor, and he hurries to catch up, hoping she would not have seen the way his eyes had focused on the pictures of her children. “This is where you sleep. I'm right next door”

 

The room she shows him into is clearly one having belonged to either of her children, now converted to a guest room instead. The walls - heaven's blue somewhere underneath everything else - are covered in posters for bands and artists. Some Graham recognize - Dolly Parton, Linda Ronstadt , Joni Mitchell and Bonnie Raitt - while the rest are unfamiliar to him. 

 

What is not unfamiliar, though, is the fact that in the middle of it all is a poster with Karen's face on it. She's sitting behind the piano, smiling shyly at the camera as the true stars - a young ginger man and a blonde woman - leaned against the instrument. It's a beautiful shot, and Graham find himself lost in thought as he look at it.

 

Behind him, Karen coughed. “I know it's a bit...childish. Graham used to sleep here. Maybe we can find you some place else to stay.”

 

Hearing her speak, Graham was roused out of his thoughts, and he realized she had misunderstood his silence. “No, no, this is fine. I was just looking at the poster. Your boy got good taste”

 

Karen smiled. “Just like his mum” She watched Graham looking at her with confused eyes when he heard this, and she laughed. “You know I like Country and folk music”

 

Graham laughed too. He hadn't remembered, not until she said so, but there was something in the way she laughed and just assumed he'd know that warmed his heart. “Yeah, I know. You got good taste.” It was a far way away from how uncomfortable she had been at the door, and he was glad they were finding a balance. “So do I”

 

Karen nodded. “Don’t doubt it” Without saying anything else, she unceremoniously dropped down on Graham’s bed. “It’s been a long time, and I can imagine you...well, both of us, have a lot of questions. how about a little Q&A?”

 

“Okay” He agrees, sitting next to her and trying to think of a good question to ask. “You’ve walked a little about your kids, but I don't know what they do?”

 

Karen nodded. “Jenny and Maria are musicians. They perform as a duo, making albums, but also sell songs too. Right now they're actually working on an album for Nonesuch.” Sitting up a little straighter, Karen beamed with pride talking about her children. She loved them, if in her own unique way. “Graham is a studio technician. Does all the complicated technical stuff. Well, that, and playing with his sisters. But that's more of a hobby, his current day job is to prep the few solo albums I did for CD re release by Omnivore. I wouldn't let anyone else do it.” She finished. “Yours?”

 

Graham listened, memorizing each name and occupation, before telling her about his own kids. “Billy is an accountant. Live up in New York with a wife and three kids, doing the math for some big corporation. Jack just started college, but he's up in New York too. His ambition is to be a lawyer one day, or so he says. And then of course there's Michael. He's only eighteen, so he's working on his last year of High School right now, but he already secured a drama scholarship. Finally my youngest is Dave, and he's not sure what he wants to do yet, but that's okay too I suppose. As long as he doesn't drop out of school it's fine” He smiled at Karen. “Next question. Do you have any grandkids?”

 

Karen shook her head. “Not yet. Soon, though. You'll see tomorrow, Maria is about this big”  She gestures in front of her, imitating her daughter and her very pregnant belly. “We’re expecting it any minute, now. A bit scary, a bit exciting...if you got three yourself I’m sure you know what I mean.” 

 

“Oh, I know! And then they ask a million questions and you start to wonder how you ever made it through it all yourself” He laugh, recalling when Billy had been expecting his first, but the happy moment is ruined as Karen's face fall and she looks away from him. “Hey, what's wrong?” 

 

“Nothing” Karen didn't look at him. Didn't dare to, because then he’d see the tears threatening in her eyes. It was a weakness, and she would not let him see it. 

 

Graham frowned, concerned. “Come on, don't be like that.” Carefully, he reach out and turn her head towards him, shocked as he see the glassy eyes looking back. “Tell me what's wrong?”

 

Karen sigh deeply. “Maria hasn't asked me. Not a single question. About anything” She shake her head, breaking loose of his grip and looking away. Pretend it's okay, even though it really hurts. “It's okay, really, I understand. Maria know I love her and her siblings, but she also know that I'm not poster child for good parents. I never really raised them, and there is no advice I could give they can not think of by themselves.”  

 

“Oh come, you can't just  _ not  _ raise your kids...even if you're not even there, you're teaching them something” He looks at her, and something in her eyes tells him that  _ she  _ believes that there is a definition of “not raising your children”, and that she fits that bill perfectly. It breaks him, but it's hard to do anything about. “Besides, I don't believe you're that bad. They sound like they're doing great...you did your best and it payed off.” He didn't know what else to say. The children did sound like they were doing good, but he knew it was not what she wanted to hear. He didn't know if he could tell her what he wanted to hear. “Everyone is different. Some people don't like sharing their worries.” He stretch out an arm around her, trying to embrace her and hoping that might make it all better. 

 

It doesn't.

 

Though Graham has done nothing wrong per se, the unwelcome touch was enough to push Karen right over the edge. It was goodness and happiness and loving promises no one could keep and she felt herself exploding into a supernova of uncontrollable emotion as he attempted to  _ hold her close _ .

 

“Let me be!” Karen scream, her arm flying out to hit his, slapping it to make him let go of her. Then, she got up on her feet and pointed out the door. “Go!” She demanded, Her voice like ice as she told him to disappear.

 

“What? You said I could stay! You begged me to stay!” Graham didn't understand. He was respectful of the fact that a lot of feelings were hurt last they saw each other, and that like him she probably had a lot of thoughts rushing through her head, but she had said it was fine and had acted as such, but now she flipped around. “I was just trying to be nice!”

 

“That's your problem! You're always trying to be nice, and understanding, and loving,and...and I don't deserve that!” Blind with rage and self-hatred, she grabbed his bag and tossed it against the door. “I am nothing of what you think I am! I'm a horrible old shut in who paid someone to raise my kids for me because I loved my fucking job!” She grabs a pillow next, throwing that too and watching it fly out into the hall when he open the door.

 

Graham ducked away from the items, backing on out into the corridor as she continued to rage. As the pillow come flying over, her words gains substance, and he start to understand. “I don't fucking care!” He yell back, no long ducking for pillows and covers that she fling in his direction. “I don't want Camila!”

 

“What?” She blink, looking around and finding that she was out of soft items to throw, her anger not strong enough for her to move onto breakable items.  _ I don't want Camila  _ \- it was everything she'd ever wanted to hear Graham say, but she had never thought it'd happen. “What do you mean?”

 

Graham sighed deeply. “I've had my Camila, okay? I had Jeannie. Twenty years and three kids later I'm still here alone. I’m done with that shit. I want you. As a friend, a lover, whatever the fuck you want. I just don't want to be alone anymore.” He stare straight into her eyes, and he pray, oh he pray, that she won't run. “Please Karen” it's his turn to beg, and it feel pathetic but losing her again would be worse.

 

Stunned, Karen watch him gather pillows and blankets, carrying them back into the room amd making the bed as he waited for her answer.

 

Watching him put it all in place reminded her of how she'd always complained that he was such a slob when they were on the road. Back then, he'd actually started cleaning his livingspace for her sake, and she remembered she had wonder if that was what love was.

 

It had taken her too many years to realize that  _ love  _ did not exist in her world, and as many times she had looked a man in the eyes and thought she knew what she was wanting, she had always been wrong. First when Tina had sat down with her arm around her neck and no want for kisses or further intimacy, but all the live in the world, she knew she'd found what she truly wanted.

 

“There's still things you don't know” She admits quietly, bending down to pick up his overnight bag and hoping she didn't break anything. “It's...I'm scared” It's a second admittance and this one is harder to swallow. “That you don't understand what you're getting into and I'm going to hurt you again.”

 

He finish making the bed, then turn around and take the bag from her hand, gently kissing her on her forehead. “Then let's talk. Let's just tell eachother everything about everything we have have done for the last thirty years. I'll tell you about work and Jeannie and the boys, and you can tell me about your work and your kids and whatever else you want.” He smile, hoping she will like the idea. “Then when we're done, we discuss what we want to do next like sensible adults, knowing that both parties know exactly what they're getting into.”

 

He make sure to be calm, sensible and easy to understand. Even though there is a thousand million thoughts spinning through his head, he knows one of them need to take control, and it's not going to be Karen. 

 

The feeling of Graham's lips against her forehead makes Karen feel like she's on fire and she feels weak at the knees as he keep talking.

 

“Alright” It's a sensible suggestion, and as the careful and guarded part of her brain has taken another timely vacation, she nods and agree. “Let's do that”

 

\---

 

Camila looks down at her phone, and she is surprised to see “Graham Dunn” on the screen. Looking over at her sleeping husband next to her, she then press the green button. 

 

“Hi Graham. Billy fell asleep about fifteen minutes ago. Want me to wake him up?” She doesn’t beat around the bush. She knows her brother in law is rarely interested in speaking to her, but rather call her to reach her husband.

 

“Hi Camila” Graham laugh quietly at his sister-in-law's frankness. “No, I was actually hoping to talk to you. About Karen”

 

“Oh my god. You're over there, are you not? How is it?” Camila hadn't even thought of the fact that Graham was currently at Karen's house.

 

“I am” He smile, running his free hand through Karen's hair as she shifted, letting out a very low, whiny noise in her sleep. “shh, it's okay.” He whisper to her before going back to Camila. “It's actually going great. She's asleep in my lap” His smile widen as he says that. It was an amazing feeling, to have Karen asleep and peacefully resting on top his legs.

 

Camila couldn't help but feel impressed at this. If she had had to take a bet after all her conversations with Karen during the past week, it would not have been for it to turn out this way. “Is she really? So...does that mean you’re back together.”

 

“No, it doesn't.” Graham shook his head. To say they were back together was a bit much. “No, we're taking it slow. I mean, we've been burnt before... me with Jeannie, and she's got everything with Tina to still work through. She needs time right now, and I'm willing to give her that. I'll take just being friends.”

 

Camila nodded, freezing as he said the name. The name  a phenomenon all to itself, which she hadn't been sure Graham knew of yet.  _ Tina _ . “So, she told you about Tina? Her almost-not-really girlfriend/roomate?” Camila remembers meeting Tina for the first time. A beautiful young woman about ten years her and Karen's junior. It'd been after one of Karen’s shows, the young babysitter pushing the babies around in a stroller as she trailed after their mother.

 

A decade later, when Karen retired from touring, Tina was still there. Camila had come by expecting her to be gone, but she'd opened the door like she always did and invited her in. It was all there was too it - she had come, and  then she'd never gone.

 

“Yeah. I'm not sure I really understand...all of it, but I understand that Karen cared about her and when she died it was deeply upsetting.” Graham explains awkwardly, not sure how to retell what Karen had told her, and whether Camila knew as much as he did about Tina. “It wasn't that long ago, was it?” 

 

“About a year, give or take. It wasn't easy for the kids either, she raised them when Karen was on the road. Karen has barely worked or done anything worthwhile since... Seriously, Graham, if you're getting into this, please be careful. She's been through a lot” Camila warned, not wanting to put Graham down, but scared that it will collapse and hurt all parties. 

 

“Yeah, I think we made that clear when she started throwing pillows” Graham chuckled. It had been scary at the time, but hours of talking later he understood her irrational reaction. “I think it will be fine.” 

 

Camila couldn't help but laugh. “Alright, that's good then. Though I don’t think throwing things for therapy is good in the long run.”

 

Graham laughed too, but quited again when he felt Karen moving more anxiously in his lap. “Sorry, I got to go. If I stay on much longer Karen will wake up, and I'd rather not do that.”

 

“Yeah, same for Billy” Camila laughed quietly, glancing over at her sleeping husband at the other end of the sofa. “Night sweetheart. Talk to you later.”

 

Graham hung up, staring down at the aged face lying in his lap. Karen looked much younger as she slept peacefully, and Graham felt sad to think of how hard she had tried to do everything right,only to be punished with tragedy at the end of it all. 

 

But in his lap, he knew she was safe and loved, and he hoped that when she woke up she'd feel the same.

 

Leaning back against the couch, he adjust the blanket he put over the woman he loved, and closed his own eyes. 

 

“I'll take care of you, I promise”

 


End file.
